Felt socially awkward
I've been socially awkward and socially anxious for as long as I can remember.
Speech and spelling didn't come easy for me. Throughout school I was told there was nothing wrong with me, and so I assumed that in time I would be like the other kids but it will take a little bit longer. Remembering back to secondary school spelling tests and having my fellow peers grade my test made me feel completely embarrassed and ashamed. However in recent years I was diagnosed with dyslexia. I now had a reason for my poor spelling and trouble pronouncing certain words. But the damage had been made to my confidence.
Now, going back to primary school I remember sitting on the floor in assembly and having my fat rolls (yes I was fat) flicked so they could watch the fat ripple, I would hear them laugh and they would do it again. I had the name calling, being tripped up while walking so I landed on my face a few times and such up until year 10. Sixth form was when I lost most of my weight and started to grow my hair. This was when I started to feel comfortable in my own skin and felt I was creating true friendships. Attending college was good for my confidence and this was the same time I had my first long term relationship.
University I thought was going to be the place where I'd find myself, but within the first few weeks of being there I was dumped and I felt alone with people I didn't know too well. My parents were great. I couldn't even talk on the phone as I was crying to hard. There's only a few times in my life where they've seen my vulnerable side. I don't let my emotions within show on the surface. Now university had some great ups, but it also had its fair lows. Yet again my spelling and grammar got in the way of life, both in my studies and friendships. My speech would make it impossible to present in front of the class as I would get so tongue tied due to my pronunciation. This would then fill me with anxiety as in the past I had been laughed at for becoming flustered and my speech.
Throughout university I had this dark cloud in the back of my mind. The feeling of dread, scared, anxious and more; to the word cancer. My dad was living with cancer and in the back of my mind I couldn't help but think, will he be around for my graduation? Will he be around for my wedding if I ever find the one? Will he even meet my future partner? Sadly he didn't get to see me graduate and some thought at the time I shouldn't have taken the time out of university as then my dad could've seen me graduate before he died. But then I wouldn't have had those months at the end with him, and mum wouldn't have had anyone to go home to or with, after being by my dads side all day long. My dad would've died before I graduated if I had stayed on and I would've throughout life regretted my decision.
Since 2010 my nan, who I loved greatly died to cancer and at that point was the worst day of my life. 2014 saw the passing of my dad and becoming the worst day and year of my life. The summer of 2014 I made a great friend who helped me start getting out the house and having adventures. This person helped so much at such an difficult time. In September 2015, they committed suicide. I was and still am very heart broken by their decision but I hope they are now at peace. At a time where I was still grieving for my dad, I now had two people to grief over. I didn't feel many reached out to myself directly and instead would ask my mum, even on about how the funeral went. I've had those thoughts of who would miss me if I died tomorrow and thinking only one life would be greatly affected got myself in tears and needed to be comforted by said person. But I've seen and felt the grief, even if my passing meant something for one it was worth living.
My emotions affect my life on daily basis, if that's getting on a bus or train, walking around town or being in a crowd. I've noticed I've had stares or name calling while out in the past, it doesn't help but I try my best to ignore these. My appearance means a great deal to me, and wanting to feel comfortable in myself is difficult when people comment on certain aspects of myself I can't easily change.