For a long time I have been feeling I could scream


For a very long time I have been feeling like I could scream and once I start I will never stop. I have long term health problems and I get so depressed life is unbearable. I used to work and have always tried hard in life. I have never been the type to fit in and find I am better off not in crowds I don’t mind being what they call odd, There is nothing wrong in being different, thinking differently and not being into all the stuff others follow. I call it sheep syndrome as they can’t think for themselves such as the guy who lives and breathes football but as never bothered to play one match in his life. I don’t want to bleet to the same pop artist or join the latest craze. I just wish I could except that it is ok to be different and I try to lift my mood, but someone or something always gets in the way of me just liking me for me. I have a workaholic hubby and a adorable talent son so I am lucky, but both see me as just the house keeper the financer and the mom. I feel completely worthless a lot of the time. I like artistic things and I enjoyed painting but I was told no money for art courses no money for publishing the book your writing and really you have your head in the clouds. I don’t have ambition because it is always knocked out of me. I don’t receive sickness benefits and I have no income only what my husband brings in which is very little once the bills have been paid. I even do away with taking tablets so my scripts last so no money is wasted. I am tired of putting my needs and wishes second. I look through the mirror and I see a lady who feels 60 never mind my true age of 46. I have no confidence when I dress, I have always thought others will say what the hell is she thinking wearing that bright top or colour? I don’t even have my hair cut now, as the hair dresser politely told me you don’t really go out why bother having it styled just thin it out colour it dark and tie it up. So I do, saves money yet again. My husband is the type of chap that says of course I love you I work hard for you, keep the roof over our heads. So why should I say hey I fancy really fancy you and your the love of my life. He isnt exactly who I would consider as sexy Mr hugh wolverine himself Jackman. Or my long term pash Christain slater. Nope he is more your cute grey badger type who the cross of comic legends to Victor Meldrew. I have elderly parents who like all the new tech as long as I get set it up and then when it goes wrong or they don’t use it, they blame me. I was never really encouraged to succeed as a kid, my dad just needed me to be there as mom was laid up ill nearly all my child hood. So I did the Lets pretend I’ve had a good day at school so I don’t up set any one at home. I was bullied because I was quite and different. My old fashioned ways mom decided I wouldn’t follow the latest trends so I look the odd one out, now I don’t mind, I just don’t want to scream I have stayed silent now hear me and see me , love me and care for me. I cannot continue on this silent scream any more.