About

I suffer from Cleithrophobia

 

Hello everyone, I just thought I'd share something to don’t share with everyone, I suffer from Cleithrophobia ,or a fear of being trapped in situations, and give you guys a little info on why I'm at this juncture if you weren't aware. In October 2016 I had a bilateral pulmonary embolism and , I was having severe seizures due to an adverse reaction to medication I was taking . The decision was made to put me in an induced coma and on a ventilator. As I was still having seizures when they attempted ventilation, I suffered oxygen starvation {hypoxia} in my brain. The medication I was taking also caused me to have a stroke with multiple infarctions to my brain. When I was finally conscious again, I was totally locked in my body, unable to move or even make a sound to speak.
Eventually, over the next 4 or so months, I gradually regained the use of my arms {the brain injury had made me completely quadriplegic} and can now use a self propelling wheelchair. I always had a bit of an issue with feeling trapped in certain situations, but it was something I dealt with reasonably. However the traumatic nature of being literally trapped within myself, has made this situation very much a lot worse to the point I basically meltdown even at the perceived threat of being trapped. For example, I am still residing in a neurological rehabilitation hospital at the moment. I see a psychologist here, but even see doesn't show understanding of the problem I face when discharged. For example, I barely fit in my kitchen in my chair {I have to pull myself on the door frame} but the flat is not adaptable either. The turning circles inside the flat{there is 1 room that's totally out of reach if I don't have the ability to walk in, which I'm working my arse off trying to consistently, competently manage. I'm also terrified of if I fell on the floor as I don't have a way to become unwrapped by myself . ..So that's a {brief} summary of why I am here. I have to thank the NHS, all the doctors and nurses for fighting for my life when I couldn't , for not giving up even when the fight seemed hopeless and they couldn't say whether I'd survive at all or if I'd be a vegetable. For not giving up, even when I was unable to feed myself, or when suffering from dysphasia. When they couldn't quite get what I was saying due to temporary aphasia and slurred speech. When I was totally helpless and having no head control & having to use a full hoist to transfer. I have come so far in these last 7 months, and I'm hoping to push things a bit further and harder on this voyage to recovery and self discovery, but I'll admit this all gets on top of me now and again, and I go to a very low place. When I go there, I swing low with rapidity. I know I certainly have a lot to be grateful for, and life is precious and short, but coming from a history of self injury & chronic depression, coupled with rapidly quitting lithium {this ironically was not for my mood but for my cluster headaches, but probably didn't help stability}, I'll have to be honest and say I was horrifically depressed, I'm sure not helped by brain injury and it's tendency to heighten emotional response {I even got depressed over my inability to control my laughing as I had before}, & it's certain I would have turned to self injury once more, especially in the earlier and darker days if I had been more capable of doing so, and less accountable to the nursing staff. Despite these struggles I have been free of self inflicted wounds for upwards of 7 years. Many times I've had suicidal ideation through this time, but I have fought so hard to gain what I can of my life back, I appreciate what I have and am really aware of how precious life is. . . It sounds like a bit of a contradiction to not take life as a given, but also have thoughts of self harm and suicidal ideation, but as long as I can keep fighting to stay on top of this and fighting back in learning to walk again, I have already won the battle, I now have to brave the war, and if anything the brain battle has been a Godsend in a variety of ways, including being on the best meds to control my pain condition than have been available to me for over 15 years......Riley King.

 

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