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My Story

 

About a month ago while I was at work, I got a call from my boyfriend sister telling me she was taking him to a hospital about an hour away to get him mental help. Now, I always knew he was slightly depressed, but never knew it was this bad. I've never been around anyone who has been depressed, I had no idea how to take this news. However, she never said she will get me from work so I could go or anything. Me being in on his mental health issues that day meant nothing to anyone. A few hours later I talked to his sister again, hearing nothing in between, and she told me that he had attempted suicide about a month before this and he was planning it again that night. I had no idea any of this was happening. I noticed he didn't want to get out of bed much, but that was just him some days. We recently moved and he got a different job, but I had no idea he had gotten this bad. I was not able to go see him due to not having a license, so I had to rely on other people. I cried the entire time he was gone, only getting to talk to him the 3 times I went up to see him in that week. I was devastated. I couldn't even work without crying, he was constantly on my mind wondering if he was eating, what he was thinking about, if he was okay. Most importantly, why he never reached out to me to let me know how he felt. I'm still angry with myself for not noticing his pain. We have lived together for a year at this point, not spending a night without each other. After 8 days and 8 nights, he was finally able to come home. It was very strange. He didn't want to talk, he still just sat there staring into space. He spent a few nights at his mom's house because I had to work, and I missed him terribly. But the fact is, I'm still upset, a month later. I'm still angry at myself and at him for not letting me in. I don't know how to handle these things and I have nobody. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I'm happy, then I'm angry, and then I'm so sad and depressed that I think maybe taking my own life would be easier than dealing with the stress and depression.. but I know I could never do it. I just feel so selfish for thinking about these things when I know he is in such a tough spot, he's my best friend and I couldn't tell anyone else how I feel except him. But I can't put that burden on him while he is recovering. But I can't hold it in anymore either, it's eating me alive and just getting be stuck in my own head and so depressed I can barely stand it. I'm afraid of him now, to be honest. I'm afraid if I make him upset our angry he will end his life. I love him so much, I can't leave him and don't want to but it's almost too much.. I'm so afraid one day I will wake up in the middle of the night and find him dead next to me, or I will come home and he won't be here. I can't let myself sleep at night, and when I do I wake up in the middle of the night to make sure he is still breathing.. like I said, I have no idea how to handle this and I just need some advice... Thanks for reading this long post.